A beautiful client asked me to write a blog on shame. Underneath addictive behavior is an underlying driver, that is the energy, the power moving the addiction.  The primary driver I address in my practice is…shame.

There are two entry points for the conversation on shame, neurological and spiritual.

Let’s talk about the spiritual first.  In the book of Genesis God creates man in his own image. He creates them male and female. They are naked and without shame. Man and woman enjoy the beauty of intimacy with God and each other. Man and woman react to the anxiety of temptation and desire to be like God experiencing good and evil.  They violate boundaries with God. Immediately they feel shame and hide. God seeks them out, gives them gifts of pain and labor…then one of the truly beautiful pieces in all the Bible.  God sacrifices an animal and makes clothing to cover the shame of the first family.  The Hebrew word used in this passage has the nuance, “to clothe a person as one does royalty.” God covers shame.

Silvan Tompkins was a 20th century neuroscientist. He placed sensors on the body to research what happens when we feel shame. First, shame moves up through the enteric nervous system, the torso, to the neck and face where blushing occurs. Then shame travels to the back of the neck where the muscles relax and eyes avert.  Shame then travels through the neuro pathways on the top of the neo cortex to be processed in the prefrontal cortex with compassion and self awareness. The purpose of shame is to reset our system from strong emotion to a state of balance, homeostasis.  If shame does not process with compassion and self awareness, shame becomes part of the fear circuitry of addiction neuro pathways.

I call this toxic shame. All shame is not evil. I wish to be a father of dignity and honor. The shame of losing whom I love moves me. This is healthy. Unhealthy shame drives me to work without relenting, drink to intoxication, and rage without warning.

I am a person of faith, a follower of Christ. My higher power processed my shame with compassion on the cross. Jesus was crucified nude. Jewish men are extremely modest. Christ took my shame upon Himself.  In an act of love and compassion He does with my shame that which I could never do…bring an end to toxic shame.

Our response to shame can be many fold. I can shame others. I can self shame. Or, I can attend to my shame by  loving what God loves and show compassion to whom God is compassionate.  I can be free to love myself as I love my neighbor…without shame. May you be free. Today.