Quadragesima Aporna

Pornless Lent or Forty Days of Fornication Free Leadership

Lent is a rich tradition of the Christian Church observed by many branches of faith. The Latin term is, Quadragesima, forty days.  My family and I have observed Lent and enjoy the spiritual reflection as a prelude to Easter.  Lent begins on Ash Wednesday March 6, 2019 with the traditional placement of ash on the worshipers forehead signifying humility and repentance.  Lent culminates forty days later on Easter Sunday  April 21, 2019 celebrating the resurrection of Christ. Between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday are forty days of deprivation. Worshippers surrender some pleasure to focus on the work of Christ on the cross and His resurrection from death.  There are many sacrifices such as giving up television, donating finances to a worthy cause, self inflicted pain, food or drink, abstinence from sexual intercourse, the internet, games, you name it. The goal is to purge oneself and attach to Christ in meaningful transformational ways.

During the 2019 Lenten season while church leadership attend additional worship services and deprive themselves of some pleasure, stats tell us they will at the same time participate in pornography at the same levels as non church goers.  In the Bible belt porn is consumed for longer durations than other parts of the country according to a report by Pornhub.

The irony is apparent and real. There are no stats of church folk differing from unchurched people in divorce rate, sexual abuse, domestic violence, and porn use. Name the denomination and the stats are the same as non affiliated unchurched people. Porn use typically follows hormone transfer diminishing with age. This means that the higher the stats in a demographic the younger the user.

May I reflect on my experience as a pastor for 30 years?  Church leaders have no different porn use  statistically than non churched folk. My anecdotal report although unscientific, is consistent with current data.  In fact the use of porn, prostitutes, and paramours by board members of evangelical churches  I served exceeded any story of unchurched congregants with problematic sexuality.

So, lest we fall into the quagmire of shame and condemnation, let’s look to solution, yes?

What if you call your spiritual leaders to forty days free from porn in your church? What if at the same time you challenge them to healthy sexuality? What do you think may happen if leaders purge themselves of the idolatry of sex addiction?  What do you believe the Spirit of God may do among you? How meaningful will this season of renewal become?

So here goes.  I am challenging you to invite your church leadership to give up porn for lent. Forty days of porn free leaders with a parallel focus on the healthy sexuality of Jesus?

May I give you some pointers as a pastor, sex addiction therapist, and clinical sexologist?

First your leaders may feel anxiety over the idea. Pushback. In sex addiction treatment we speak of an 18 month to two year grief period mourning the loss of the attachment to images of porn.  Porn becomes a need and requires recovery and healing.  The prefrontal cortex may begin to go offline with decreased blood flow and heightened dopamine transfer in the limbic system. Decisions may be clouded and anger actually increase at the idea a pornless Lent.

When you challenge your leadership, do not ask if they view porn, ask them what porn blocking software they have installed to protect themselves and their families. Open DNS is free and will remove any barriers for porn blocking dialogue.  People in recovery take precaution about their drug of choice.  They are careful and feel respect for the power of worshiping other gods.

Watch for symptoms of elevated anxiety, irritability and possible cross addiction. Addicts often replace one drug of choice for another.

The anxiety felt can be shame based and actually increase sexual fantasy. The fantasy neural pathway is driven by shame. Diminish toxic shame and fantasy decreases accordingly.

But after the withdrawal symptoms, your leaders can find freedom. The beauty of sobriety and intimacy with God does return. King David said it after his binge on sex and murder, “Restore to me the joy of my salvation….”  Your leadership can find pleasure in God…once again. Psalm 51

Think about the power of between 1-2 billion Christians this Lenten season who seek intimacy with God rather than intimacy with pornographic images?  What if their deepest secret is love for God rather than what they keep from their partner behind closed doors?

Forty days. Porn and fornication free leadership. Tell your leaders you love them. You are compassionate and praying for them. Ask them how you may support their leadership. And feel free to ask them about their anxiety.  Is it Jesus they love or do images possess more power?

Ask them. Challenge them. Forty days to freedom.

I have put together a Quadragesima, 40 days of reflections, videos, and challenges for Lent.  I hope you enjoy them. Reach out to me, I will help you, friend.

Quadragesima Aporna

Forty Days Porn Free

Days 1-9 Read one of the Loci daily for The Systematic Theology of Healthy Sexuality. Also check out the free videos on Healthy Sex Volumes One and Two. Each Volume has three parts, totaling six episodes.

https://wordpress.com/post/glenmaiden.com/915

Healthy Sex Volume One Part One https://subspla.sh/dkx9fvf

Recovering from porn addiction must attend to the underlying drivers of the behavior. What are the anxieties beneath your story of porn use?  What is your pain? Follow the pain and you will recover-Carnes.

Days 10-19 Read and Reflect on one of the Ten Commandments for Single Christians daily.

https://wordpress.com/post/glenmaiden.com/919

When I treat porn addicts, I begin with their trauma narrative. The pain becomes a complex network of anxieties driving dopamine through addiction neural pathways. Attend to the trauma and you will find relief. Attend to all your trauma, wire by wire.

Day 20: Read and Reflect on Conscious Awareness and Maturity.  Also, check out the satirical video on anonymous sex called, Tinderella.

https://wordpress.com/post/glenmaiden.com/962

Tinderella and Anonymous Sex https://subspla.sh/cr8yv66

As a matter of practicality in porn recovery, I replace the sexual behavior with a meaningful relationship. Do you have a healthy friendship, small group, mentor you can replace your porn with? For each behavior replace it with a different healthy relationship.

Day 21: Read and Reflect on Attachment Heals and Healthy Sexual Boundaries for Children.

https://wordpress.com/post/glenmaiden.com/948

Healthy Sexual Boundaries for Children https://subspla.sh/h7qt5sm

The drive you feel for porn develops between the ages of 0-4 during the growth of grey matter.  Can you reflect on your narrative between those ages? You will find the need you have for porn developed during those years. Did someone leave you? Were your care givers present and attentive?  If not, your brain formed to compensate for these losses. Now, you can attend to your story.

Day 22: Please read and reflect on Parenting Same Sex Children and  the video Healthy Sexual Boundaries for Students.

https://wordpress.com/post/glenmaiden.com/895

Healthy Sexual Boundaries for Students https://subspla.sh/z6pm7mq

Compassion forms from the anterior cingulate located in the prefrontal cortex.  When we use porn, dopamine transfers in the limbic system depleting blood flow from the anterior cingulate and compassion begins to go offline, disable. When we practice compassion, the anterior cingulate activates and we become consciously aware.  Compassion is everything in recovering from porn. Compassion for you…compassion for the victims of porn…compassion for what and whom God loves.

Day 23: Please read and reflect on Shame.

https://wordpress.com/post/glenmaiden.com/823

All of my porn addict clients experience shame as the underlying driver of their addiction. The shame of a mother who did not give good enough care, a father who leveled performance based conditional love, a mother who propositioned her son for intercourse, a distant mother incapable of intimate connection, a father who abandoned his son, a child sexually assaulted by a camp counselor, et. al.  Shame underlies every porn addict I treat. So, what do you think will happen to your porn if we attend to your shame?

Day 24: Please read and reflect on Loving God LovingYou.

https://wordpress.com/post/glenmaiden.com/821

I love treating sex addicts. At some point during the treatment he awakens to the love of God and the new possibility of…loving herself. The transformation is stunning. I think I am addicted to not being addicted.

Day 25: Please read and reflect on Compassion.

https://wordpress.com/post/glenmaiden.com/808

Mirror neurons form in the premotor cortex of the prefrontal lobe.  We mirror attitudes, language, and behavior from this grey matter structure.  When I show compassion to a porn client, he/she always experiences inner compassion for self. God’s main term to define Himself is…The God of Compassion. Show compassion. Be compassionate. Watch the world and porn change around you.

Day 26: Please read and reflect on the video, The Neuroscience of Porn Addiction.

https://wordpress.com/post/glenmaiden.com/702

How are your withdrawal symptoms from porn on day 26?  Have you replaced your porn with a relationship?  Have you slipped? Sunday is the most prolific day for porn use in north America.  Did you use after church?  Start again. Don’t quit. Persevere to the end. The brain can rewire in 90 days. This is possible. With God all things including recovery from porn as a church leader is possible.

Day 27: Please read and reflect on The Image of God, Imago Dei.

https://wordpress.com/post/glenmaiden.com/817

The age of the first time porn user in America is 10. Soon that number will be 6, the age of a child who can operate a tablet and navigate the internet.  When you feel weak, will you recover for your children and grandchildren? Think about a generation of church board members wired to porn. Their compassion disables, self awareness diminishes, anger and irritability increase. Now think about church leadership recovering from porn…compassionate, aware of the delicate working of the Holy Spirit, and able to regulate anger neural pathways?

Day 28: Please read and reflect on Meditation=Amazing Transformation

https://wordpress.com/post/glenmaiden.com/924

Are you experiencing relief and the pleasure of recovery from porn? Are you free?  Your porn profile wires in the brain between the ages of 5-8.  Who and what comprised the people, places, things, sites, sounds, smells of kindergarten through 3rd grade?  You will find a direct connection to the porn you watch. Mind. Blowing.

Day 29-40: Please read and reflect on Imago Curo 101-112, one meditation per day for twelve days.

Imago Curo 101 https://subspla.sh/29z6xsh

The beauty of our work disconnecting from porn reconnects the prefrontal cortex. This is called conscious awareness.  The compassion center of the brain, the anterior cingulate, and the self awareness portion of the brain, the insular cortex, both regain blood flow and activate. Compassion and awareness now regulate addiction neural pathways forming from the limbic system. You are whole now. Do you feel it? Leader, I will be honored to assist you.