Shame and Hope: Sexual Anorexia Part III

Vocabulary: 

Theist- One who believes in God with a textual narrative, The Bible.

Meta Theist-One who believes in spirituality without textual narrative.

Sexual Anorexic- One who feels the terror of sex resulting in avoidance of physical and emotional intimacy. (SX)

The video entitled, The Still Face Experiment, illustrates the power of connection and conversely the shame of disconnection. Did you see it?  When the mother emotionally hid from her baby, the child went through anxiety and finally a meltdown into shame.

Shame and the sexual anorexic (SX) weave a tapestry. Fear networks crafted through traumatic events or childhood experiences leave the SX with reservoirs of shame.  Unattended by healthy conversation and relationship shame becomes toxic and integrates among fear networks causing feelings of terror and avoidance of sexuality.

Shame hides. We become partners who cannot be transparent, we lose empathy, relationships lose their richness and…intimacy.

Patrick Carnes says this in his ground breaking work, “Sexual Anorexia”:

“Sex seems to be the area of life that most deeply touches our personal issues. Whatever problems we face in life sooner or later impact our sexuality. If we are chronically angry, the anger will eventually become sexualized. If we cannot tolerate closeness, we will fail at sexual intimacy. If we need to be in control, passion will elude us. If we have experienced trauma, we may repeat it compulsively through how we express our sexuality. If we are perfectionistic, sexual response will elude us. And, if we are so overextended and driven that all of our important relationships are abbreviated, sex will seem brief and overrated. To put it in another way, we can hide with sex, we can hide from sex, but we cannot be fully ourselves sexually and hide.”(Carnes, 285-291)

I love that statement, we cannot be fully ourselves sexually and hide. He speaks of shame. How do we unravel the tapestry of shame and sexuality?

For theist clients and friends of faith, the Book of Genesis Chapters 1-4 speaks clearly of sexuality and shame. Post pride and failure Adam and Eve make themselves clothing and hide from the presence of God. Loving Creator seeks them out and surgically addresses their shame with truth, the gift of pain, and then…He covers them. God covers shame. For my meta theist friends, your higher power must have the capability to remove your toxic shame, or your higher power isn’t and shame becomes part of the system of fear.  How do you assess the ability of your spirituality to unweave the tapestry of self hatred and shame?

Let’s talk, reflect richly on truth, accept pain as a gift, and release your shame to the One who rewires fear with love and tender compassion. 

I am a grateful follower of Jesus. He is safe. Jesus, single and celibate with neither sexual scandal nor political agenda, experienced no shame.  Intimacy with God the Father wove the fabric of His narrative. The death of Jesus on the cross bore the full weight of our story of shame. He is my higher power with the ability to cover that which I hide. I love this hope.

Notes:

Carnes, Patrick J. (2009-08-07). Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred (Kindle Locations 285-291). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition. 

Sexual Anorexia Part 2 (You will need to read Part one to track this series with Genesis 1-4)

“…and they were both naked and unashamed.”

The beauty of the Genesis creation account climaxes with intimacy between man and woman. 

God’s garden mandate cast the vision for healthy sexuality. Adam and Eve were the very first Naked and Afraid contestants…ever. Except, they were unafraid of their sexuality and each other. No shame. No fear of sexual intimacy. God commands them to be sexually intimate. He uses the euphemism, “Be fruitful and multiply.” The meaning is sonic.

Enter the hubris of being God. I wonder if the first family’s shortfall had more to do with the addictive mentality of firing God and worshipping themselves than the fruit of the tree?

Scene change. Adam and Eve…hide from God, cover their guilt filled conscience. Dopamine transfers. Shame reinforces fear circuitry. DNA changes. Enter spiritual entropy.

God seeks man and woman, redeems, covers, and gives boundaries including the gift of pain. 

The Eden Garden ends, civilization’s cradle crashes. Thank God for intervention, we would have certainly nuked round two of paradisal perfection into a mushroom cloud.

Then, strange words. Genesis 4.1 “The man knew his wife and she conceived and bore a son.”  The word “knew” is the Hebrew term for intimacy, yada. Yada means to see, to know sexually, emotionally, cognitively, spiritually. Patrick Carnes defines sex in the same manner, he states, “Sex is intimacy; into my partner I see, into me my partner sees…intimacy.”

After man and woman defy, hide, and blow up a perfect world sans laundry or high triglycerides,  God still refers to their sexual life as…intimacy.

Sex is intimacy. The porn industry leads the way to teach sexuality. Porn profits on the degradation of women focusing on orgasm as the ultimate act. No intimacy. No relationship. No honor. No loyalty. Porn projects the hubris of worshiping self.

Recovery from sexual anorexia begins with a healthy view of sexuality. More, sexual anorexia conversations must participate in a transcendent vision of wholeness emotionally, spiritually, cognitively, and physically. 

Let’s begin here. No shame for your fear of sexuality. Let. It. Go.  Start with emotional and spiritual intimacy. Talk. Write with your partner a vision of healthy sexuality for both of you. Is the vision beautiful, mutual, consensual, emotional, spiritual, cognitive?  Is there a place of common ground where you can meet in the middle of the garden? Can you start the healing process with transparency and trust?  Talk and pray…together. Hold hands. Take walks. Trust. Love your partner’s story. Invite your higher power into the most intimate relationship on earth. Sexual intimacy begins with spiritual intimacy.  

“…and they were both naked and unashamed.” Beautiful.

Love this video and…bacon. Check out the little man and his reaction to the first taste of…bacaawnnnn! This video shows the dopamine transfer of a boy’s first taste of pure awesomeness.

Counseling numerous clients right now…their concern?  They don’t do sex. Can’t put together the desire for healthy sexuality.  We call this, Sexual Anorexia and the sufferer a Sexual Anorexic, (SX).

Can’t. Not won’t. Can’t be sexually intimate.

Numerous reasons cause SX.  Let’s start with this. Dopamine transfer. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that streams through neural pathways.  Just as bacon causes dopamine transfer in reward networks in the brain, dopamine also transfers  in fear networks. This is a Diffusion Tensor image of reward and fear neural pathways in the brain.

Technology now allows us to see both reward and fear architecture in the white matter of the brain. The smell, texture, and pure awesomeness of bacon trigger (cue) powerful reward centers. We remember and love bacon…forever.

Add trauma to sexuality like abuse, abandonment, fear, or pain  then sexual neural pathways form connecting to “terror” rather than pleasure.  Instead of reward pathways forming for sexual intimacy, fear dominates the sexual matrix. Sexuality becomes fear based, disgust responses emerge, and the result? Shame. The SX cannot sustain healthy intimacy, relationship deteriorates. Shame reinforces fear networks. In fact, as the SX becomes more preoccupied with the terror of intimacy, dopamine transfers. It is possible then to become addicted to avoiding sexuality. The SX now pumps dopamine through neural pathways that feel like… reward. The SX can become addicted to avoiding sexuality. Like the boy who will never forget the reward of his first mouthful of bacon, the SX has unknowingly created neural memory to avoid sexuality. The shame of broken relationship without intimacy reinforces the terror of sex. Sexual intimacy becomes the cue for terror.

How do we find hope for SX?

Belief. Join us for part 2. Hope is.

God can change fear. Over 90% of my clients have a high priority for spirituality, God-consciousness. 87% of people in recovery say their higher power is helpful.  Jesus is my higher power. The word “proud” does not describe my faith, I do feel ongoing gratitude for the belief that has changed me for 30 years. The content, object, and power  of faith changes neurology. Fear neural pathways can change through belief. What are your greatest fears? Double click and print these graphics and I will walk with you through a deep process and together we will ask God to change your neurology.  This is new/old tech. God has been in the phobia morphing business for millenia. Now, science has finally caught up. Message me and we will start. Do you need support? I have several online groups to support you. Hope is.

Announcing our first Healthy Sexuality Summit for Families April 16, 2016 at NCFF. In this summit we will look at healthy sexuality for adults, students, and children. Our staff will introduce the work of Jim Burns a talented author who has written age graded titles for children and students. This Summit will end with small group focus groups to talk through the needs of children and parents. I will also give the latest stats on cybersex and our families.

Thank you Martin Hospitality for hosting the First Annual Healthy Sexuality Workshop at Haystack Gardens in Cannon Beach. Our workshop was packed!

Thank you Cannon Beach Police Department, Astoria PD, Ocean Lodge staff, North Coast Family Fellowship, Awakenings by the Sea, and Free by the Sea Rehabs for bringing your staff. Ira Krizo brought his students from the CB Culinary Academy. Thank you for the delicious snacks, and Chief Schermerhorn of CB Police Department for the donuts.

This event was a hit!  We examined cybersex statistics,  current technologies of assessment and treatment, and finally…hope.

Stay tuned for next year’s workshop. We will put together a greater vision of healthy sexuality for you and your family.

Keep checking our blog for current statistics, and treatment options. Hope is.