I wish to give a gift this Christmas. The gift of grief. Perhaps we need to say the gift of grieving? For 3 Saturday nights this holiday season we will meet to reflect on our loss,  support one another, and look for God in our grief. I will give you an assessment to help you find your place in the process of grief, and for our last night together we will write a letter to the one we grieve for. Please contact me if you wish to be part of these intimate Christmas gatherings.  Our dates are Saturday December 3, 10, 17 from 7-9 PM at my home. If you would like to participate by way of video telecast please  contact me at 5034405532, dr.glenmaiden@gmail.com, or Facebook.

 

grief_depression_inventory

Grief

1.   Write a letter to whom you are grieving:   Dear    ,

2.   Include:

What are the feelings you are feeling?  Talk to the

person, tell them what you would say to have some

closure.  Include the following:

I am angry with you for……..

I appreciate you for……..

I thank you for……..

I hurt regarding…….

I always wanted……or, All I ever wanted was…….

I’m sorry………

I make amends for…….

I forgive you for………

I miss……….

I don’t miss…….

What I needed from you was……….

   If the person you are grieving died when you were many years younger, let them know who you are now; the true person you have become and possibly the person you would like to be in the future.

At this point, it may be very effective to step into the shoes of the person, and tell yourself what the person would say to you.

Say goodbye, in your own words.  You might visualize the person in your mind’s eye, and share a hug; tell them you may talk with them again, but must say goodbye for now. 

 

This narrative is from a good friend of mine who came to faith during his in patient treatment. I am so very proud of him. You will be too.

My Story:

Sitting in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings the past couple of years I have heard both things I agree with and things I disagree with.  For me, there is nothing ‘absolute’ about recovery.  Outside of my relationship with God and the fact my body will die some day, I can’t find much else in this world that is absolute.  Therefore, to me, recovery is ‘relative’ and I have to do what works best for me.  What works for me may or not work for you and vice versa.  What I believe may be easily argued against by someone else.  That is o.k.  Therefore, it does not mean that what I have heard at AA is wrong.  Rather, it is just something I do not agree with or does not work for me as a solution. 

One evening, a gentleman spoke to the group about his own personal recovery.  He mentioned that his recovery was about himself and his ability to stay sober.  He said he could care less whether or not anyone else in the group drank; his own home group’s recovery was of no importance to him.  I disagree with him based on my own personal experience with alcohol.  For me it was a lonely, dark place; a place I never want to revisit.  There is a sense of belonging that resonates with each and every one of us and going through this, alone, (because your entire group has abandoned its recovery) is something I disagree with.  Human beings need to belong; I need support.  One of the first things I realized when I was drinking was that nobody wanted to be around me.  Friends started dropping off left and right.  In a sense you are only friends in ‘health’ and not in ‘sickness.’  But that is a whole different topic I can cover another time. 

Where my story begins is with what another gentleman said at this AA meeting.  He said that, ‘childhood trauma is something everyone goes through so do not come in here and tell everyone how bad your childhood was.  I do not want to hear that excuse as to it being why you are here.’  In my opinion, that discounts every theory on brain development and the impact(s) of childhood experiences upon it.  This by no means justifies my use of alcohol to medicate and ‘right the ship’ if you get my meaning.  Choosing alcohol to medicate was a poor choice on my part.

I consider myself to be an anxiety induced binge drinker with my real troubles starting at or around the age of 38.  This does not mean that I did not drink before.  Rather, this is where my troubles started occurring.  What is interesting in this is that the first time I reached out for help was when I was 12 or 13 years old.  I also remember, years later, asking for help the night before my wedding.  Crying to my Dad, I told him that I wasn’t sure whether or not I could go through with the wedding.  My Dad said that, ‘If she is not the right person, you do not have to go through with this.’  I remember vividly telling him, ‘Dad, it is not her, it is me.’  I foretold of the collapse I would experience and how I would drag her into it with me.  Bear in mind, at this point I am still not really a ‘drinker.’  At my wedding I had 1 beer and a shot of ‘Mad-Dog’ thanks to some great friends who thought they would be funny and bring a bottle.

My parents were divorced at an early age.  I lived with my brother and Mom while my Dad remarried.  I will not bring my Dad up again as I do not believe he adds a lot to the story.  The concern I have with him is the way he treated my Step Mom as an ‘idol’ at the expense of his kids.  If he wanted to do something with us, he had to check with her first.  And often, our every other weekend visits would be reduced to 1 night because something else was going on the other night.  My Dad views success as the title you carry at work, the size of your house, and the amount of friends you have.  The falling out that occurred with him was when I discovered he did not like my wife.  I started having my drinking problems and those coupled together led to his escape.  I had told him that I needed help and the response was I needed to help myself.  When my son had his 2^nd birthday and no card arrived from my Dad, that was the final straw that broke this camel’s back.

Where my real problems occurred were with my mother and step-dad.  The relationship here can best be described as:

• Justified drug use.
• Domestic Violence.
• Poverty.

My step-dad was a long haul truck driver.  Because of this, he often used ‘Crank’ which I

guess today is considered ‘Meth.’  I do not know much about it nor do I ever care to.  Regardless, his use was justified in that it helped keep food on the dinner table.  Never mind the fear it induced every morning he woke up, me not knowing how we was going to come out of it.  Makes me cringe today thinking about hearing him start to wake up and not knowing what version of step-dad I was going to get that day.  I remember one summer night, playing games on my Apple IIe, with Walkman in (listening to Cream or the Doors), and having a need to go get a drink of water.  Coming downstairs my Mom and step-dad were sitting at the kitchen table, orange piece of glass on the table.  I noticed a white powder and razor blades on the glass.  I came downstairs to get a drink of water.  I did not come down to witness meth being cut up on our kitchen table; the same place where the family gathered nightly for dinner.

The domestic violence was entirely awful on its own.  Watching your parents hit each other is not good.  Tried to think of a better way to say that but simply put, it is not good.  Once, I remember leaving a car show with them angry at one another.  Sitting in the passenger seat, step-dad driving, and Mom sitting in the back.  Driving down Broadway Ave., one hand on the wheel, the other punching my Mom, with my Mom throwing punches back.  I had nowhere to go, nowhere to escape. 

How do I and my family get through this?  Step-dad is needed to pay the mortgage and we need the drugs to keep step-dad going.  This is/was reminiscent of a hunter-gather society where the basic essentials (i.e. food, shelter) came at the expense of a proper childhood.  I accepted what was going on because it kept a roof over my head and food on the table.  The need for security emerged.

I also remember getting in trouble one day when I answered the front door to (2) men in suits and telling them, ‘Yes my Mom is home.’  Apparently they were debt collectors who came to take our car.  Tow truck shows up and pulls the car up the street.  Awesome when a girl, in your class, and her (4) sisters live across the street and get to witness all of this.  Huge sense of embarrassment and shame.  The problem was not with us losing the car but rather I answered the door and said my mom was home.  The real problem was deflected and blame was put on me; shame and pride were interfering with logical thinking.

  I also remember when my Mom stopped paying the garbage bill.  For about 1 year when we took the trash out, we just put the trash bag in the garage and let it pile up.  I know today that sometimes I put our kitchen garbage out in the garage and it starts stinking up the garage within an hour.  Imagine 1 years worth of garbage and having your friends come over.  My bike was in the garage and to get it out, I needed to open the garage. We probably had 75-100 bags of garbage in our garage.

I could go on with the stories.  I remember the time my Mom asked me (her Junior High son) to gather my change together as she needed it to go to the store.  These are all memories that I thought I had put away and had no realization that they impacted me the way they had; but these same memories had shaped the person I was going to become; I needed security.  The reason recovery is not absolute is that I believe someone dealing with the same trauma may deal with it differently.  How I dealt with this trauma is different than how my brother dealt with it and is also different than maybe how you would deal with it.  A company of soldiers in battle may all witness the same magnitude of death, during combat, but that does not mean they deal with it the same.  We do not look the same as one another therefore I see no reason why we should all think the same.

For years I medicated through accomplishment.  Trauma made life difficult for me in that it was caused by my Mom and step-dad.  Generally when one experiences trauma, the parents provide the needed nurturing.  But when your parents are the cause of your trauma, you are screwed.  And my father was not around to provide any level of support.  For me I started developing anxiety and a clear need for accomplishment.  As a kid, I had nobody to help me so I was going to dig my own way out of this and make sure my future family never had to go through what I did: I therefore started providing for my unmet wife and son at about the age of 12.  Accomplishment put me one step further away from that life style I so wanted to leave.  With the lack of parenting in my life, I developed some co-dependency issues and ultimately placed unrealistic expectations on my friends; I needed my friends to provide the nurturing I was not receiving at home.  I needed girlfriends so I would not feel alone.  It did not matter how mean or cruel they might have been, as long as I was not alone.  I cringe, today, thinking about what I put a few close friends through.

So, how severe did this get?  I label what I have to be Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) but not of the typical type you see so often played on TV and movies.  Rather than counting, I have the inability to rid myself of negative thoughts.  In certain situations I need constant re-affirmation that things are going to be o.k.  If I make a mistake at work, regardless of how trivial, I see myself losing my wife, house, and job and I am now living under a freeway overpass.  A lot of time spent ruminating about past and future suffering.  Contingency plans are developed for every situation and coupled with the fact that most situations are created in my mind, I have a lot of things going on up there.  The sense of balance for me was created when I accomplished something.  There was a release that made me feel good.  Accomplishment provided me with security.

So rather than live day-to-day, I lived from accomplishment to accomplishment.  Some of these symptoms included:

• Graduating from college with 2 degrees (with honors) in 4 years.
• Getting my MBA 2 years after college.
• Getting a 4.0 GPA (one quarter), while taking 20 credits in college.
• Quitting sports in high school because I was worried they took away from study time.
• Chronic sleep troubles, knowing I need to be fully alert for school/work.  I have to succeed.
• Becoming one of the highest trained volunteer firefighters in the area in a really short time.
• Worrying that my softball team was going to kick me off when I went through a slump.

              I could write 3 pages on this alone but I think one of the more terrifying things for me was when a doctor referred me to a specialist for swollen lymph nodes.  I had a cold for several weeks and finally went to the doctor.  He pointed out my lymph nodes and after a 2^nd visit, recommended I see a specialist.  Couldn’t get into the specialist for 2 months.  Stewed about it and did all the research I could on lymphoma; I knew I had it.  Turns out the doctor wasn’t even looking at lymph nodes but rather saliva glands.  I was good to go.  Problem in my mind was that the specialist obviously missed something and I had this condition.  I cannot tell you the number of times I went to minor emergency over the next several months out of paranoia and the freeze this anxiety brought on.  At times, I literally could not move.  Would go to different places because I was ashamed and knew that I had been there a few weeks prior.

I never really lived life day-to-day.  Rather, I lived from accomplishment to accomplishment.  Always the next accomplishment was going to provide me with that sense of overcoming and relaxation that I so desperately needed.  What people do not realize is that I had been acting out and it was killing me; accomplishment only leads to the need for additional accomplishment and sometimes greater accomplishment.  Not all that different from someone who needs more a drug to reach a certain high than they did in times past.  Problem is I was acting out through accomplishment and getting patted on the back for it.  Keep going.  Everyone looked up to me and thoughts I was doing great.  Parents wanted their daughters to marry someone like me; nobody recognized the signs that it was killing me.  I was able to deceive a lot of people for years.   This idea of accomplishment to someone in recovery is staying sober for 1 year and getting a coin.  Great and congratulations but really how are you doing?  The coin means nothing if the addiction has just turned to something else and the person really is not doing better.  It was not until I started drinking that people really started to see that there was a problem; I had traded addictions.

So my crash came when my dog died, my son was born, I started having problems at work and my marriage was failing.  Do not get me wrong, the best thing ever to happen to me was my son being born.  But for someone who needs security and whose ultimate driving force is that of being the provider, adding another mouth to the equation was negative for how my brain works.  And besides (and understandably) I was not getting the attention I needed.  I started feeling alone.  With all this, I could no longer achieve the same level of accomplishment.  Anxiety was taking over.  The part of my brain that deals with executive decision making was routinely shutting down.  I was stuck in the fight/flight and feeling/emotions epicenter of the brain; I could not break back into the other part of my brain.  Therefore, I started binge drinking when I froze.  Regardless of the negative consequences, drinking was opening back up.  I knew it was wrong but it was the bridge that was going to get me back to thinking correctly and get the accomplishment motor going again.

WARNING:  Sounds like I just justified drinking as my parents had justified to me taking meth when I was a child.  Drinking got me back, but I am in no way intending for anyone to think I was justified in doing it this way.  I knew what I was doing was wrong.  On the list of things you can do to restore balance and right the ship, drinking is a poor choice.  But admittedly it was the best thing I have ever done as it finally led me to get the help I needed.

Since my crash, I have since arrived at 2 years sobriety.  How did I do this?  Telling complete strangers my story helps.  Internalizing shame intensifies the behavior.  I always say that ‘Shame’ and ‘Anxiety’ were the 2 girls at the bar buying me drinks all night.  Another big step for me is in the word ‘Acceptance.’  Acceptance that I am this way but also acceptance in others.  If man was created in the image of God then who am I to dislike someone for what they do because they too have been created in this image.  Faith in the covenant relationship of marriage has been huge to my recovery.  We live in a consumer society where when the newest phone or bigger TV comes out, our prior electronics are no longer suitable.  We move on.  If someone stops providing for us in life, we move on.  This recognition has changed how I approach my marriage and friendships.  It is no longer what my wife or friends can do for me, but rather what I can do for them.  In regards to marriage, people often forget that there is a 3^rd person standing there at your wedding and it is God.  Getting back to the consumer relationships, one example for me stands out.  One does not ask for new children when those children fail to meet your expectations.  But in marriage, it has become acceptable to move on.

           And boy, I am really working at freeing others of my expectations.  Everything I need I direct towards God.  Someone once said to me that ‘Anxiety is arrogance in that you are upset things are not going your way.’  Anger falls in line with this and helps shut down my executive decision making part of the brain.  It is why you cannot rationalize with me when I am anxious and/or angry.  I have come to realize that I cannot live according to my path but rather I have to recognize that I am on God’s path.  And so today, rather than beat myself up when I take a step backwards, I choose to recognize that I am human and am actually thankful for having caught myself.  I am going to continue to have bad days periodically and I recognize that.  I just cannot let them result in a downward spiral.

 

Look at her eyes. What do you see? I perceive a lovely young woman in the grip of pain and cruelty. At the end of this piece you will see a contemporary pic of her. You will note that her pain remains, but seems more…complex…seasoned…hardened.

“An Afghan refugee who appeared on the iconic June 1985 cover of National Geographic was arrested in Pakistan on Wednesday, October 26, 2016 for allegedly possessing a fraudulent Pakistani ID card, according to multiple reports.

Sharbat Gula, the subject of the famed ‘Afghan Girl’ photographed by Steve McCurry was taken into custody in Peshawar, a city where thousands of Afghan refugees settle, the Associated Press reported. She is being held at Peshawar’s Central Jail, and could face seven to 14 years in prison if convicted for the forged identification card, according to NPR.” http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/afghan-girl-in-national-geographics-iconic-pic-arrested-w446960

When does the pain end for this woman, when does it end for you?

Psalm 64

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 

Hear me, my God, as I voice my complaint;
protect my life from the threat of the enemy.

2 

Hide me from the conspiracy of the wicked,
from the plots of evildoers.

3 

They sharpen their tongues like swords
and aim cruel words like deadly arrows.

4 

They shoot from ambush at the innocent;
they shoot suddenly, without fear.

5 

They encourage each other in evil plans,
they talk about hiding their snares;
they say, “Who will see it[b]?”

6 

They plot injustice and say,
“We have devised a perfect plan!”
Surely the human mind and heart are cunning.

7 

But God will shoot them with his arrows;
they will suddenly be struck down.

8 

He will turn their own tongues against them
and bring them to ruin;
all who see them will shake their heads in scorn.

9 

All people will fear;
they will proclaim the works of God
and ponder what he has done.

10 

The righteous will rejoice in the Lord
and take refuge in him;
all the upright in heart will glory in him!

David is assaulted by threat and politicians that hate him. Cruel conspirators craft corruption for the King. 6 of 10 verses complain to God about the threat surrounding David.  Again.

How does one live with ongoing cruelty?  Traumatic events change the structure and function of the brain. The portion of the brain responsible for self awareness, conflict resolution, and morality can be literally disabled by constant threat.  Depression results.  Addictions flourish. Trauma can become cemented in our neurology.

“But God….”  God prevails in pain.  God restores integrity.  All will revere Him and reflect .  The one made right by God can hide from terror in Him.  The upright heart reflects God’s love and justice in the midst of painful people and politics.

David found strength in the truth of God not in the persecution of politicians.

Here is a beautiful prayer…

God, why do I storm heaven for answers that are already in my heart? Every grace I need has already been given me. Oh, lead me to the Beyond within. — Macrina Wiederkehr

David did not calculate his life by the depth and breadth of threat and violence but by reverence, refuge in, and reflection of the love and presence of God.

What are the threats on your radar?  Can you center your life not on the evil around you but the love of God within you?  Can you love Him, reflect Him, and revere Him in the perfect plans of the politicians? Can you go “beyond” with Him in the threat?

Anonymous (2011-02-17). Answers in the Heart: Daily Meditations For Men And Women Recovering From Sex Addiction (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 5). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition

Day 63. Psalm 63.

My comments on Psalm 63 appear in the (parentheses.)

Psalm 63New International Version (NIV)

A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.

1 

You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water.

(King David is not speaking with symbolism. He literally thirsts. David has the ability to connect his pain to his relationship with God. No cursing here. No gnarly attitude toward God because of David’s suffering.)

2 

I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

(David loved the ritual of worship.  The Psalms are his narrative of ritual. Rituals are vital for people who suffer. Rituals create order and bring soothing in chaos. What are your rituals? What are you teaching your family about rituals in traumatic events?)

3 

Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.

(The love of God is superior. Better than living is the life I live with you, Oh Lord. Trauma’s impact can be lessened by deep relationships after the painful event.  David’s sanity through the attempted murders, persecution, and betrayal by his own son, was nurtured  by the presence and love of God.  Note how David connects to God in the thirst.)

4 

I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.

5 

I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

6 

On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.

(Ahhhh…now he’s talking my language. One of the symptoms of trauma is sleeplessness.  Anxiety pumps adrenalin. Adrenalin is not a good sleep agent. David remembers and focuses on relationship with God in the sleeplessness of his pain.)

7 

Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.

(David senses both presence and protection from God.)

8 

I cling to you;
your right hand upholds me.

(I hold onto the Lord in the night watch of sleeplessness and worry.)

9 

Those who want to kill me will be destroyed;
they will go down to the depths of the earth.

10 

They will be given over to the sword
and become food for jackals.

11 

But the king will rejoice in God;
all who swear by God will glory in him,
while the mouths of liars will be silenced.

(Have you been hurt? Do not do life alone as a ritual. Consistently and passionately do the trauma of your story with others as though being together is a sacrament, something holy. Pursue strength in a group of loving people. Connect to your therapist. Seek the Lord. Your pain will lose its power in connection with healthy people who love God.  Hope. Is.)

References:

Trauma disorders represent a unique form of psychopathology; they cannot occur without exposure to an event(s). However, exposure is a necessary, but not sufficient criterion for the development of trauma-related disorders. “There is recent recognition that the larger family context in which children live and the amount of family support they receive following trauma can be a powerful mediator between trauma and negative outcomes (Banyard, Rozelle, & Englund, 2001, p. 74).

Researchers theorize that maintenance of rituals has healthy consequences for families, especially for children and, to date, have generated strong empirical evidence for this hypothesis. Studies clearly demonstrate that the constructive use of family rituals is reliably linked to family health and to psychosocial adjustment in children. Initial investigation of the potential mediating role of family rituals was with alcoholic families. In a series of studies, Wolin and Bennett found couples deliberate in planning their family’s ritual life and who then successfully followed through on those plans evidenced significantly less transmission of alcoholism into their family than couples who were not as deliberate (Bennett et al., 1988a; Wolin, Bennett, & Noonan, 1979). Deliberateness also included keeping rituals distinct from the alcohol abuse behavior. Furthermore, regardless of the presence of alcoholism in the family, children living in families low on deliberateness showed more behavior problems than children from highly deliberate families (Bennett et al., 1988a; Bennett, Wolin, & Reiss, 1988b). Several studies (Fiese, 1992; Hawkins, 1999) replicated these early findings.

”Protecting children from the dangers of urban poverty ☆ Laurel J. Kiser ⁎ University of Maryland at Baltimore, Division of Services Research, 737 West Lombard Street, Fifth Floor, Baltimore, MD 21201, United States Received 25 January 2005; received in revised form 1 May 2006; accepted 12 July 2006

Women’s and Men’s Online Relationship Recovery Support Groups

“I don’t think America should elect any President in 2016. We need to be single a few years and find ourselves.”-Anonymous

Let’s add another descriptor to this humorous but captivating comment. How about America stays single and “celibate” for a couple years?  During our break, we examine what healthy sexuality means for children, students, and adults?

What burns my grits about this media mess and the sexual abuse language of another politician is the normalization of sexual violence.

Who supports conversation on healthy sexuality?  The only words I have heard from politicians speak sexual assault and violence.

Where are words of healing and health?

Religious folk offer none. Politically correct have zero input. We fear healthy conversation about sexuality, and at the same time have normalized the cruelest versions of sex abuse.

Time for a break from the mess.

Sex is intimacy. Patrick Carnes states, “Sex is intimacy, into my partner I see, into me my partner sees.” Intimacy is beautiful, mutual, consensual, cognitive, emotional, spiritual.

Adam and Eve, naked and un afraid, walk intimately with the living-loving God in a gluten free, zero cholesterol, sans laundry world.  When Eve conceives, the Creator uses the term intimacy to describe their sexual union. The Hebrew word is YDA, to know experientially, spiritually, emotionally, cognitively. The latin word sexus did not appear until the middle ages to describe the difference between male and female animals. Intimacy is the original definition for sexuality.

Jesus, single and celibate, had more to say about love and intimacy with God than any other historical figure I know.

Hmmmm. No scandals for Jesus but his sacrifice on the cross where he was sexually abused bearing my shame. No videos or hot mics declaring junior high locker room vocab. His followers…sexual integrity. Paul the Apostle too was single and celibate. Rome paid historians to tell biased tales. No lurid words from the great Apostle portray private parts or the star power to abuse victims. Extant blogs feature neither blue nor purple dresses from  first century Christian leadership.

It’s time for a break, America. Let’s take a time out from normalizing sexual assault. Porn abuses. Boundary violations assault.  Neglect is abuse.  The assassin I fear…silence.

In my family’s faith story, we believe in hope, a new beginning, a resurrection from death.

Time to resurrect truth for the greatest crisis in our nation’s history…the politicizing and normalization of sexual violence.

Hey friends, North Coast, Peninsula, and West Michigan Centers for Healthy Sexuality now offer two Sex Addict Anonymous Therapy Groups for both women and men.

We work from the SAA Green Book and Patrick Carnes’ A Gentle Path Through the 12 Steps.

Our online groups use HIPAA technology and are of course completely anonymous. Contact us by cell phone or email for a confidential invitation.

Shame and Hope: Sexual Anorexia Part III

Vocabulary: 

Theist- One who believes in God with a textual narrative, The Bible.

Meta Theist-One who believes in spirituality without textual narrative.

Sexual Anorexic- One who feels the terror of sex resulting in avoidance of physical and emotional intimacy. (SX)

The video entitled, The Still Face Experiment, illustrates the power of connection and conversely the shame of disconnection. Did you see it?  When the mother emotionally hid from her baby, the child went through anxiety and finally a meltdown into shame.

Shame and the sexual anorexic (SX) weave a tapestry. Fear networks crafted through traumatic events or childhood experiences leave the SX with reservoirs of shame.  Unattended by healthy conversation and relationship shame becomes toxic and integrates among fear networks causing feelings of terror and avoidance of sexuality.

Shame hides. We become partners who cannot be transparent, we lose empathy, relationships lose their richness and…intimacy.

Patrick Carnes says this in his ground breaking work, “Sexual Anorexia”:

“Sex seems to be the area of life that most deeply touches our personal issues. Whatever problems we face in life sooner or later impact our sexuality. If we are chronically angry, the anger will eventually become sexualized. If we cannot tolerate closeness, we will fail at sexual intimacy. If we need to be in control, passion will elude us. If we have experienced trauma, we may repeat it compulsively through how we express our sexuality. If we are perfectionistic, sexual response will elude us. And, if we are so overextended and driven that all of our important relationships are abbreviated, sex will seem brief and overrated. To put it in another way, we can hide with sex, we can hide from sex, but we cannot be fully ourselves sexually and hide.”(Carnes, 285-291)

I love that statement, we cannot be fully ourselves sexually and hide. He speaks of shame. How do we unravel the tapestry of shame and sexuality?

For theist clients and friends of faith, the Book of Genesis Chapters 1-4 speaks clearly of sexuality and shame. Post pride and failure Adam and Eve make themselves clothing and hide from the presence of God. Loving Creator seeks them out and surgically addresses their shame with truth, the gift of pain, and then…He covers them. God covers shame. For my meta theist friends, your higher power must have the capability to remove your toxic shame, or your higher power isn’t and shame becomes part of the system of fear.  How do you assess the ability of your spirituality to unweave the tapestry of self hatred and shame?

Let’s talk, reflect richly on truth, accept pain as a gift, and release your shame to the One who rewires fear with love and tender compassion. 

I am a grateful follower of Jesus. He is safe. Jesus, single and celibate with neither sexual scandal nor political agenda, experienced no shame.  Intimacy with God the Father wove the fabric of His narrative. The death of Jesus on the cross bore the full weight of our story of shame. He is my higher power with the ability to cover that which I hide. I love this hope.

Notes:

Carnes, Patrick J. (2009-08-07). Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred (Kindle Locations 285-291). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition. 

Sexual Anorexia Part 2 (You will need to read Part one to track this series with Genesis 1-4)

“…and they were both naked and unashamed.”

The beauty of the Genesis creation account climaxes with intimacy between man and woman. 

God’s garden mandate cast the vision for healthy sexuality. Adam and Eve were the very first Naked and Afraid contestants…ever. Except, they were unafraid of their sexuality and each other. No shame. No fear of sexual intimacy. God commands them to be sexually intimate. He uses the euphemism, “Be fruitful and multiply.” The meaning is sonic.

Enter the hubris of being God. I wonder if the first family’s shortfall had more to do with the addictive mentality of firing God and worshipping themselves than the fruit of the tree?

Scene change. Adam and Eve…hide from God, cover their guilt filled conscience. Dopamine transfers. Shame reinforces fear circuitry. DNA changes. Enter spiritual entropy.

God seeks man and woman, redeems, covers, and gives boundaries including the gift of pain. 

The Eden Garden ends, civilization’s cradle crashes. Thank God for intervention, we would have certainly nuked round two of paradisal perfection into a mushroom cloud.

Then, strange words. Genesis 4.1 “The man knew his wife and she conceived and bore a son.”  The word “knew” is the Hebrew term for intimacy, yada. Yada means to see, to know sexually, emotionally, cognitively, spiritually. Patrick Carnes defines sex in the same manner, he states, “Sex is intimacy; into my partner I see, into me my partner sees…intimacy.”

After man and woman defy, hide, and blow up a perfect world sans laundry or high triglycerides,  God still refers to their sexual life as…intimacy.

Sex is intimacy. The porn industry leads the way to teach sexuality. Porn profits on the degradation of women focusing on orgasm as the ultimate act. No intimacy. No relationship. No honor. No loyalty. Porn projects the hubris of worshiping self.

Recovery from sexual anorexia begins with a healthy view of sexuality. More, sexual anorexia conversations must participate in a transcendent vision of wholeness emotionally, spiritually, cognitively, and physically. 

Let’s begin here. No shame for your fear of sexuality. Let. It. Go.  Start with emotional and spiritual intimacy. Talk. Write with your partner a vision of healthy sexuality for both of you. Is the vision beautiful, mutual, consensual, emotional, spiritual, cognitive?  Is there a place of common ground where you can meet in the middle of the garden? Can you start the healing process with transparency and trust?  Talk and pray…together. Hold hands. Take walks. Trust. Love your partner’s story. Invite your higher power into the most intimate relationship on earth. Sexual intimacy begins with spiritual intimacy.  

“…and they were both naked and unashamed.” Beautiful.

Love this video and…bacon. Check out the little man and his reaction to the first taste of…bacaawnnnn! This video shows the dopamine transfer of a boy’s first taste of pure awesomeness.

Counseling numerous clients right now…their concern?  They don’t do sex. Can’t put together the desire for healthy sexuality.  We call this, Sexual Anorexia and the sufferer a Sexual Anorexic, (SX).

Can’t. Not won’t. Can’t be sexually intimate.

Numerous reasons cause SX.  Let’s start with this. Dopamine transfer. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that streams through neural pathways.  Just as bacon causes dopamine transfer in reward networks in the brain, dopamine also transfers  in fear networks. This is a Diffusion Tensor image of reward and fear neural pathways in the brain.

Technology now allows us to see both reward and fear architecture in the white matter of the brain. The smell, texture, and pure awesomeness of bacon trigger (cue) powerful reward centers. We remember and love bacon…forever.

Add trauma to sexuality like abuse, abandonment, fear, or pain  then sexual neural pathways form connecting to “terror” rather than pleasure.  Instead of reward pathways forming for sexual intimacy, fear dominates the sexual matrix. Sexuality becomes fear based, disgust responses emerge, and the result? Shame. The SX cannot sustain healthy intimacy, relationship deteriorates. Shame reinforces fear networks. In fact, as the SX becomes more preoccupied with the terror of intimacy, dopamine transfers. It is possible then to become addicted to avoiding sexuality. The SX now pumps dopamine through neural pathways that feel like… reward. The SX can become addicted to avoiding sexuality. Like the boy who will never forget the reward of his first mouthful of bacon, the SX has unknowingly created neural memory to avoid sexuality. The shame of broken relationship without intimacy reinforces the terror of sex. Sexual intimacy becomes the cue for terror.

How do we find hope for SX?

Belief. Join us for part 2. Hope is.